My writer's block has the best of me! screams
by Satu Gikonen
Summary: My spoof on Harry Potter, involves 'tea leaves' and extremely moody characters. And Hermione likes people to 'ogle her goodies'. Chapter one


            It was the beginning of what promised to be a great and coincidentally clichéd year at Hogwarts. Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter were preparing to board the platform when all of a sudden; Harry screamed and grabbed his scar.

            "What is it Harry? Is the mark left by the evil wizard You-Know-Who harming you, as you're the only person he tried to kill and failed? Does it have some relevance to current evil he's doing? Is baseball REALLY America's past time?"

            "Quick, avoid telling us so that we can figure it out for ourselves in Chapter 5 and arrive coincidentally in the nick of time using information and clues that all magically tie in so we but mainly you because it's always you can save the world from destruction!"

            "Right then. But why can't we get through the barrier?" He had noticed that as he was on the ground writhing Ron and Hermione had repeatedly tried and failed to tango through the wall leading to the platform, which half explained why Hermione was wearing an evening dress.

            "Some house-elf must be trying to protect you again. It's always about YOU." Ron collapsed into a miserable ball of red hair and blushed cheeks; actually, it appeared he was putting on blush, that half explained Ron's entire life. "Always about famous Harry Potter and his friends, not Harry Potter and Ron Weasly and Hermione Granger and their friends. Oh, oh, how I loathe you! Oh, misery! Cursed day!"

            "Ron, shut up." Harry looked back at the wall, "Now, what are we going to do about this?"

            "Look! Three flying lobsters! Coincidentally with our names on them! Let's ride those."

            "You're simply brilliant, Hermione."       

            "What else do you like about me, Harry?"

            "Erm, I don't know, now help me move Ron." He pointed over to the ball of redness, which was now rocking back and forth.

            "Oh yes, help Ron, because ickle Ron can't move himself. He's weak! He can't do anything for himself! I hate you Harry Potter, I hate you I hate you." He sobbed, "No, I don't, I love you, take me back, oh Harry."

            "Hermione, I would really realllllly like it if you helped me move him."

            "Would you like it if I did this?" She blew in his ear.

            "No. Now help me!"

            After about 20 minutes of Hermione lowering 'prices on goods' and Ron trying to slit his wrists with an advertisement for a hooker (which made Hermione slightly jealous, unfortunately), Harry had finally gotten them onto the lobsters, and they finally made their way to Hogwarts.

            "Welcome, welcome! That's right, I am Professor Dumbledore, your OWNER, cough, I mean headmaster, for the next several months." To his side, he said, "Bow down to my power or leave now." No one left except a tiny blond girl from Ravenclaw, as she was the only one who heard. 

            "Since we've lost the sorting hat," he continued, "Bloody thing was trying to curse me, he got his though, we've just decided to have you sort yourselves. If you're evil and plotting, and remotely unattractive, go to Slytherin. If you're smart but really wussish, go to Ravenclaw. If you've always got to be in the center of attention and a hero,  go to Gryffindor. And if you don't fit into any of the above categories, or have no idea because you're an out-right git, go to Hufflepuff. Now that that's settled, eat the wonderful food provided by slave labor house elves, whom one of which may or may not have been blocking the barrier for Ron and Hermione and Harry."

            During the feast, Harry noted some interesting things happening at Hogwarts. First off was Goyle giving Crabbe a diamond necklace, and Crabbe crying and bouncing into his arms, crashing to the ground. After the rubble cleared, Harry noticed Hermione was doing a rather provocative dance to Seamus and Sean, which apparently had no effect as they were still going at it with each other anyway. Ron, of course, was putting on blush in the corner and crying again, but where was Neville?

            "Looking for the girl, Potter?" Malfoy sneered, "I know where he is, I know where everything is! And I won't tell you, you stupid orphan prat, because of my innate jealousy and long rivalry with you, and because I plan to keep your opinion of me as the worst thing in the world!" He cackled like a leprechaun and disappeared in a flash of smoke.

            "Did he just disapparate?" Harry wondered allowed, which was probably a mistake as Hermione had begun to strangle him.

            "No matter HOW many TIMES I TELL YOU, you still don't understand that you CAN'T DISAPPARATE or APPARATE on/to HOGWARTS GROUNDS."

            "Hermione, stop! You can't kill me, I'm the major character, and the Disapparation thing is a plot element."          

            "Well who do I get to kill then?"

            "I don't know, Parvati, perhaps she'll be an easy target." Apparently so, by the time the Rubble had cleared from Crabbe giving Goyle a set of beautiful swirling earrings, Harry could spot Hermione giving the thumbs up from outside the Forbidden Forest. He went over to Ron.

            "Of course, Goyle gets earrings and Crabbe gets a necklace, what does Ron get?" He was rocking back and forth again.

            "Ron, not to be rude, but Crabbe and Goyle get stuff for each other because they're dating, and unless you'd like to go and date a guy, I'm pretty sure you won't get necklaces or earrings."

            "Are you saying I couldn't get a date with a guy?"

            "No, I'm saying your probably don't want to."

            "How do you know, Harry? You don't know anything! Oh wait, you do, you're famous Harry Potter." That was about when all madness was let loose and Ron became known as the Bloody Weasel, stalking through the halls at night, taking out his emotions on suspecting students (and occasionally rabbinic creatures) Although for dramatic purpose, people pretended not to know it was him, sometimes leading to such following conversations.

            "Ron, another person was murdered last night. They found her, outside the Divination tower."

            "Really? Who was it?" 

            "That's the weird part, they couldn't tell. It was a tall looming woman, and she had a bunch of 'tea leaves'."

            "She had 'tea leaves'? That's interesting, 'tea leaves' are often mistaken for illicit substances."

            "No one can figure out who it was, honestly."         

            "That's so weird."

            "Oh, and Divination has been cancelled for today."

            Just then George and Fred came over. George's voice was lowered, "Hey, you two squares need to do something interesting, get as many people as you can. We're going to have a 'tea leave' 'reading'."

            "Oh, and, bring something to gamble with. We'll be there at midnight in the Divination tower." Fred grinned, "Don't eat before, Dobby is making brownies for us."


End file.
